Monsignor Advice

A new priest at his first mass

was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor

how he had done. The monsignor replied,

when I am worried about getting

nervous on the pulpit, I put

a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip

.

So next Sunday he took the

monsignor’s advice. At the beginning

of the sermon, he got nervous

and took a drink. He proceeded to

talk up a storm. Upon his return

to his office after the mass, he found

the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not

referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not

kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was

knocked off his donkey,don’t say he

was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the

last supper he said, take this and eat it for

it is my body. He did not say eat me.

12.The Virgin Mary is not called

Mary with the Cherry.

13.The recommended grace before a meal

is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,

Yeah God!!!